Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
