There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
