I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
