she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
