I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
