Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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