i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
