I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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