Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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