Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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