Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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