Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
How external is "for external use only"?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
