yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He better not be in your backpack
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
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Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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