Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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