Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
