I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
