Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
