Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
