god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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