If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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