Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he shaved USA in his pubs
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
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I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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