I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
