if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
