seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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