did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
