when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
