I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
