this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
