Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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