I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
