so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
