I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
