I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
