I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My ass is underappreciated
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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