yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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