I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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