If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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