When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i came on her dog
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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