no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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