my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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