If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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