you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
