If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
