Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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