Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
