I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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