I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
