The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
