Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
