guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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