your parents love me but you hate me
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
