Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
