you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
