So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
