Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
