You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
