I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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